Ace's Guide to Chinese Package Tourism

So you wanna be a Chinese Package Tourist? Before you leave, read this guide and follow these simple steps, in order for your trip to be a success:

1. Talk as loudly as you can at all times. Bonus points if you talk on your cellphone at all times.
2. Spit as often as you can. Make sure you get as much phlegm as possible and aim for foreign devils.
3. Smoke, even if there are signs that say "No Smoking." Make sure you aim your ash at foreign devils.
4. When in a restaurant, chew with your mouth open and make as much noise as you can. If you don't like something you're chewing, spit it on the ground or on the table.
5. If your child has to poo, pick him up, pull his pants down, and aim for the side of the road. No harm done if your child leaves a mess in the middle of the sidewalk.
6. Push people out of the way to get where you want to go.
7. If you see a Foreign Devil, stare. Get as close as you can without the Foreign Devil noticing. If the Foreign Devil notices, pretend you were interested in the foliage.
8. When your tour guide is explaining something, don't listen. Instead, spread out with the rest of the group to take up as much space as possible.
9. Never, ever smile in a photograph. Stand as straight as you can with your arms by your side. Occasionally, flash the peace sign.
10. When taking pictures of people, especially Foreign Devils, never ask permission. Just get as close as you can to them and click away.
11. Only buy souvenirs from the shops that your tour guide takes you to.
12. Make sure your clothes are of the brightest colors possible. Your pants cannot match your shirt. Bonus points if you clash.
13. If your tour guide points at something, take a picture of it.
14. Bring an umbrella. Use it, rain or shine.
15. Never, ever venture out of site of your tour guide. If you stray too far, panic. Then get on your cellphone and start yelling at the top of your lungs.
16. When given the choice between walking somewhere or taking a chairlift, take the chairlift.